This is the third article in the past few days that deal with my life and what’s been going on in it. This post is likely to be a train of consciousness type affair as I can’t think of how I want to structure it. Sorry in advance.
I have been in Japan for over three years now. I can’t really believe it’s been so long.
And it’s been fun. I’ve learnt so much. Done so many new things. Had so many amazing experiences. Japan will be a part of me for the rest of my life.
Yet something is amiss.
Since I had troubles with some friends in May my life here has been radically different. I lost two people I thought I could count on as family. Even after all this time their betrayal stings. It kind of makes me realise that I really do miss my family, they are irreplaceable. You can’t substitute them (not that I EVER thought or wished to replace them) but I thought I could numb the absence of them with others. I can’t. I miss spending time with my Mum. My Grandad who is 86 is one of the shining role models of my life and after losing my Granny this year I am desperate to spend more time with him.
I don’t know if I have, or if others did it to me but I have become isolated here. I think it suited me but it means that I have been very lonely. Add to that abject boredom, Onoda (while I love it) is a pretty quiet place. If you aren’t hanging out with your mates like you used to it can be insanely boring.
Add to all this my job. Nova has a major reputation and stigma attached to it. I’ve experienced some of the best of it and undoubtedly some of the worst. For three years I have worked here almost entirely without any sort of supervision. For two and a half years of that I have been the ‘senior instructor’ myself. I have had my issues at work. I have (I am quite willing to admit) made some stupid mistakes. But it all would have amounted to very little if I had had a line manager of worth. In almost ever situation (which normally involves a Japanese’s word against mine) I have been hung out to dry. Absolutely no support and no desire to pursue the truth, only a desire to make things quiet. Having such a long term instructor is quite a big advantage for them and (dare I say it) they don’t appreciate it.
Also, for three years I have been doing exactly the same job. EXACTLY. There is only so many times you can repeat yourself. I have had no career advancement and, due to what I talked about above, I think no chance of ever attaining it.
Perhaps I should elaborate somewhat. One of the things that has hurt me is my tendancy to speak the truth. This is not the Japanese way. And it has caused some friction. I can’t and won’t lie. If someone asks me about something or someone I’ll most probably speak my mind. This has REALLY hurt me in my time with Nova.
So there we have it. The current state of affairs and it has lead me to take a momentous decision or two.
I’m leaving Japan.
There, said it.
I always said that I wanted to stay until felt time was up. I feel that way now. I have done almost all I want to do here. I now want to be near my family. I am not happy here anymore. Things that I would laugh off before now REALLY anger me. People do things that I would previously have thought little of that now I find I am reluctant to forgive. The Japanese are prone to lying to save embarrassing themselves or the person they are dealing with. People are TOO friendly just because I am a foreigner. I have had real trouble mistaking that for genuine interest in me. I need a more ‘normal’ life.
I have no doubts that I am going to miss the ‘fame’ aspect to living here. I challenge anyone not to enjoy being popular. Many people whom I don’t know and have never met ‘know’ who I am. Many people are delighted (visibly) just to meet me and perhaps speak to me. Sound a bit like a freak show? I guess it probably is. I have never felt like I am particularly popular. I have always felt like I have a few really close friends and I value that so much more. Indeed that’s what I miss. I don’t really have that here now.
So I am leaving Japan, but when? Well, there kinda lies the problem. I have some things I want to do (bills to pay etc). Some things I want to buy. But the biggest thing is that Jim is getting married in April. That in fact is near perfect timing for me. So my plan (which you know is ALWAYS subject to change) is to leave Japan the week after that. Which should work out as the first week in May.
I have to add, I am not bitter about anything. I will leave Japan with a heavy heart and a hatfull of life changing memories. Life goes on and people come and go. The people who hurt me leave my life and I cease to care. Nova while far from the perfect employer has done exactly what I knew it would.
It’s just time to move on.
Time to begin living a real life again.
Time to settle down.
Time to enjoy the pleasure my family give me and stop taking them for granted.
Time to try new things.
It’s time to leave.
T -33 weeks!!!! Crikey that’s a long time!